Predictions for Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit: The Bloating of Five Subplots

Do yourself a favor and google "Party Thranduil." THAT WHICH HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.
Do yourself a favor and google “Party Thranduil.” THAT WHICH HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

At some point during the course of the last year, I apparently suffered a severe brain injury. There is no other explanation for the fact that I am looking forward to seeing part 3 of The Hobbit.

Actually, there’s a very good reason for it. The reason? Good old fashioned dramatic tension. After the utter desecration of the plot in The Desolation of Expectations, I literally have no idea what’s going to happen. Literally none. I mean, I know Bilbo, Gandalf, Gloin, Balin, Legolas, Sauron, Elrond, Galadriel, and Saruman all have to be alive by the end of it. (That does not preclude their deaths during the film, mind; only that they somehow are alive.) Also, I know there will be a battle, and five armies. Beyond that, I got nothin’.

That being said, I have decided to record some of my predictions, going down in roughly decreasing likelihood:

  • Smaug is not killed by Bard at Laketown. Instead, Smaug goes and teams up with the Orcs and Sauron himself to reclaim the mountain.
  • The dwarves left in Lake Town team up with the elves to fight the clearly off-the-hook Thorin.
  • Bilbo turns out to be a master tactician, outlining the battle plans that will save many and eventually lead to Sauron’s doom. A young Boromir, on vacation in Laketown, learns tactics from him. Bilbo’s main advice is, “If you ever find a magic ring, use it as often as possible.”
  • Tauriel is mortally wounded in battle. Kili comes upon her as she’s dying and comforts her, and they share a kiss. Shortly thereafter, Legolas sees Kili standing over her corpse. Legolas believes Kili killed her and in revenge kills him.
  • It turns out the Arkenstone is an artifact of incredible magical power. Bilbo nearly dies trying to protect and/or deactivate it, but at the last second Thorin shoves him out of the way and destroys it, tragically killing himself in the process.
  • Gimli travels down to the battle with Dain’s men and crosses weapons with Legolas.
  • The dam protecting Lake Town is blown up by orcs singing a folk song.
  • When Balin and Bilbo say goodbye, Balin mentions using the dwarves’ momentum to go retake the good ol’ Mines of Moria, because clearly it will be easy and nothing could possibly go wrong.
  • Ori the dwarf is discovered to have been a woman this entire time.
  • Bard calls his son by his given name, which just so happens to be Aragorn. Bard also mentions that his own given name is actually Arathorn.
  • Empowered by the One Ring, Bilbo goes on a full-on murder spree and kills everyone.
  • Kili and Tauriel tame Smaug, and the three of them go riding off into the sunset.
  • Kili and Tauriel steal Thranduil’s elk and move to the North Pole. Their offspring become Santa’s slave labor and Thranduil’s elk becomes the ancestor of the Reindeer.
  • Kili/Tauriel go full-on Titanic, with Kili as Rose and Tauriel as Jack. “I’ll never let go, Tauriel,” Kili whispers lovingly, as Tauriel falls into a lava pit. At the end of the movie, we see him step out of a Tardis and drop the One Ring in a river, only to be picked up by Gollum moments later.
  • Same scenario as above, only Kili becomes Gollum.
  • Aslan comes and ends the war.
  • Galadriel and Gandalf have a one night stand.
  • The mysterious shadow in Mirkwood turns out to not be Sauron at all, but rather the hallucinogenic effects of a landscape wasted by a combination of fracking and global warming.
  • Radagast eats one too many ‘shrooms and accidentally splits the atom during battle, killing everyone.
  • One third of the film is just Peter Jackson swimming Scrooge McDuck-style in a big vat of gold.
  • Beorn is really Tom Bombadil in disguise.
  • The Battle of the Five Armies is settled in an epic dance-off.
  • The lonely mountain turns out to be an active volcano and becomes Mount Doom.
  • Bilbo reveals he made the entire story up and really won the One Ring playing poker in Bree.
  • 5000% more Cave Trolls, who inexplicably survive sunlight despite the troll scene in the first movie.
  • Everyone dies at the end, proving the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy to be a nightmare of Sauron’s.

I’m sure I could go on, but that’s enough from me. What hypotheses do you have?

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